How I lost my Sense of Self as a Mom and How I regained my Confidence
How I lost my Sense of Self as a Mom and How I regained my Confidence
I never felt as needed as I am until I became a mom. It feels extraordinary to feel needed—it’s as if my life has a greater meaning than when I live without my children. To be required means to be selfless, caring, and nurturing.
As breastfeeding moms, our baby needs our skin and our breasts. There is no schedule for them wanting it. We cannot tell how long she will feed nor stop the baby in the middle of her feeding. As a toddler mom, the call-outs of “Mom! Mom! Mom!” seem unstoppable when she needs to eat, drink or use the toilet. As homeschooling moms, we teach their young minds the good stuff—planned activities, games, and artwork to keep our children safe and happy. Sometimes, we’re a mixture of all of it—a breastfeeding mom of a new baby while homeschooling a toddler, a nursing mom while working from home.
Motherhood changed me. It was one of the most precious things that ever happened to me. I discovered how I stretch beyond my limitations and weaknesses. I never thought my body worked wonders after my Caesarian section birth. When I learned to breastfeed, it was magnificent to produce enough liquid gold after days of practice and getting advice from other experienced moms.
Being needed is indeed extraordinary.
However, sometimes I feel like we are obliged to feel extraordinary because society tells us motherhood is beautiful and worth sacrifice. Don’t get me wrong—the truth is when I became a mom, I almost lost my identity. It’s the messy truth that to be needed means we are needy, too.
The identity I carefully built in my youth and single adulthood seems far from who I am right now. I was purposive in building my career and degree in my single adult years. In my not-so-long-ago pre-motherhood life, I own my time, body, and entirety. As a mother of two, I felt the urge to feel like myself again. Not because I don’t love my children but because I love them even more. I have to feel my best self when I face my children because they can sense my happiness and feel the same way.
How I Lost My Sense of Identity in Motherhood
Losing my identity meant losing my sense of the same person before giving birth. When I noticed this change, I realized I must do something.
My husband noticed that there were times I had an outburst of emotions. I was grumpy, sleepless, and unhappy. I used to say, “Oh, it’s just a phase. Everyone does it.” I then justified that staying up late at night meant using my time for Netflix and binge-watching for long hours. Little did I notice that I was becoming fixated with it because I told alibis that this was the only time I could be myself again.
My husband once asked me: “Don’t you miss the times when you were teaching?”
He asked me with questioning eyes as if telling me he missed the times I was at my best self. Then he gave me a set of books to read as his birthday gift. To me, it wasn’t just a gift. It was an act of love that helped me recover my best self again.
How I Gained my Self-Confidence in Motherhood
It wasn’t until the pandemic that I felt a need for change. I was anxious when I found out I was pregnant with our second daughter. It was a kind of good anxiety. I thought there was a formula to it for other mothers who lived long before I was successful at mothering. I watched and read about mothers who lived the same life as I do—mothers who were juggling motherhood and entrepreneurship. Since then, I have embraced my season.
Here are some practical ways I’ve personally applied to regain my self-confidence back:
Accept motherhood changes.
Now that I am no longer living for myself, I must accept the changes in my body, routines, and habits.
My body has undergone lots of changes. Recovery takes time, yet the marks of motherhood could remain in this lifetime. Embracing it is the best I can be to myself.
My routines and habits changed as well. Every minute matters because my time no longer belongs to me anymore. Time is distributed for me, my children, my family, and the community I serve.
Enjoy the slower pace in this fast-paced era.
Once upon a time, I could accomplish my goals smoothly when I own my time. Currently, I divide my time into blocks—I own my morning; my children own my mid-morning; I have my after-lunch time; my children have my afternoon and evening time.
For now, this is enough, and this is how I can stretch myself and my time. I tell myself, “Someday, and I will have all the time again. My children won’t be too needy anymore. I must enjoy my current season.”
True enough, months pass by swiftly; I don’t want to regret the future thinking of my lost career. I could always do as I do—at a slower pace.
Maintain your hobbies.
I used to be keen on my journaling before motherhood. The writing process was my constant companion, along with learning and reading. When this new challenge of motherhood came to be, I almost forgot my love for reading and writing.
When I embraced motherhood as a part of who I am, I recovered my hobbies and took the time to be engrossed with the things I love the most.
Celebrate small wins.
In our youth and single adulthood, we celebrate our big wins—our graduation day, for instance. In motherhood, it is always the small wins that matter. I celebrate my small successes together with my children’s progress.
Here are our lists of small wins.
My children’s progress
My daughter’s potty training
My daughter’s first time reading CVC words
My second born’s first walk
My children’s laughter
My small wins
A homecooked meal
An uninterrupted teaching moment with my daughter
A customer who repeats ordering
A virtual assistant who helps in planning
A short blog I have finished writing
The first book I have finally read after giving birth
An early morning routine meditation
Find a mom community.
The irony of motherhood—just as I received congratulations, I also faced criticism.
When a woman becomes a new mom, the world celebrates her. Yet, along with the warm wishes come endless unsolicited advice from “expert” moms—on breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, traditional schooling versus homeschooling, baby-led weaning versus spoon-feeding. No matter the choice, opinions flood in from every direction.
I learned to embrace my uniqueness as a mom while finding a supportive tribe. For instance, I’m a yayaless mompreneur. That’s how most people know me. I get supported by the right group of people. I also learned that not everything the social media world has to say means it needs to be applied. I’m a mom of my children, and I think parenting is best for them.
Having confidence as a mom is a process. Life is not perfect, and so is motherhood. I still have days when I feel drained and burned out. Things get easier with a bit of help and a support system.
Motherhood taught me that I’m capable of more than I ever imagined. When I became a mom, I learned that there were things that I could do that I couldn't do before. I stretched my full potential when it wasn’t just myself that I had to think of. I thought I couldn’t distribute my time well, but my time needs not be divided. My love and passion for my personal pursuits and my calling as a mom have multiplied.
